Demon Spider

As some of you may know, Jamie was gone all weekend. I watched approximately 14 hours of Netflix, laid in bed for 11 hours Friday night and another 11 hours Saturday night. Went to the gym twice. Cooked for myself for each meal. Had Leia Lu'd nails did. Cleaned the house. Had more lazy time. Did some pilates. Oh yeah. And killed a demon spider. By myself. What does one do when her husband/professional bug killer is out of town and she's scared for her life of this stupid-8-legged beast?!?! Oh goodness...let's back up, shall we?

If you were wondering, yes, my weekend was unbelievably lazy. And you know what? It was beyond spectacular! I never get to do anything like that. I never laze around in bed, watching TV and embrace the nothingness my weekend had to offer. I missed my husband incredibly, but I must say, it was rather nice to completely relax for a whole weekend.

Yesterday afternoon, I took the pooch to get her nails trimmed. She has a cracked nail and has been limping for a few days. So I thought if we trimmed them, it'd get better. Well, the only groomer there looked like he was about 15 years old and acted really intimidated/terrified of me for some odd reason. I was in gym clothes with my hair in low pig tails for goodness sakes. Anyhoo, here's what this boy-child did to my baby...

She's so unhappy with him and me at this moment:

I'm sure she was ready to bite him for being so awkward:
He said she was "too out of control for him so he had to sit on the floor to get a better grip". Puh-leaze:
She's giving me the death look:
Poor kid. He didn't know what was going on. It took him over half and hour to trim a 15 pound dog's nails. C'mon, kid!

Spider Control:

Here was the real issue of my day yesterday.

Yesterday morning, I was doing laundry, I fluffed out a shirt to hang and this furry, 8-legged monster fell out of the shirt and onto the floor. I screamed like a child and ran out of the room, picking up Leia on the way as to not get her eaten by this creature. It scampered away under the dresser like a coward. Not that I was one or anything... Here's what it looked like:Doesn't it just make you want to vomit just looking at it?!?!?!? UGH!!! So, I grabbed the hair spray, the febreze, wood cleaner and every other aerosol I could find to spray this little jerk til he died! I was quivering. I was squealing like a pig. I was a nut case. This spider was not moving. Not one bit. So I stood on my bed, with the dog, ready to pounce if the little turd-bucket decided to show his ugly face. Well, he did. I screamed. I threw shoes at him. I threw a magazine at him. I screamed some more. I threw more shoes (yes, I had several pairs, plus one on each hand). Nothing worked. He got away. He was gone.

I thought about that little demon spider all day long. I thought, "Oh great. Now when I go to bed, that Satanic bug is going to crawl on my bed, bite my dog and my husband, turn him into a spider, crawl into my mouth (I'm a drooler, you know), lay eggs in my stomach and then I'll be burping 8-legged spider demons the rest of my life." Dramatic? I think not.

To make a long, drawn out story less long, Jamie got home. I found the demon. Under our bed, hiding (like a coward) in the crease of a bag. I screamed and told Jamie to help. Jamie was on the toilet and his business took great precedence over my attempted spider homicide. I decided to go for it. I got Jamie's snowboarding gloves on. I grabbed my latest Southern Living Magazine. And I swatted that bag and yelled and yelled until I didn't think that darn thing had anything left. Lo and behold, that ugly monster came running outa there and cornered himself! I channeled my inner Hulk Hogan and beat the living tar out of that spider until I knew for a fact that he was a dead one.

Here lies the Spider from Hell:
I flushed him down the toilet. Twice. And was afraid to use that toilet for a while. I didn't want his spider spirit to bite my bottom to pay me back or anything!!!

All that to say. Spiders, beware of the "Scho" house. It may take me 10 hours to do it, but I'll kill ya. I'll kill ya til you're good and dead! And that's a promise!

Abby:1 Spider from Hell: 0