Worth. Less.

Yesterday:

So, we all know that I've been in a bit of pain with my back and can take it no longer. On Tuesday, I went to the doctor and she had me pick up 4...yes FOUR...prescriptions. Steroids, muscle relaxers, pain meds, and muscle spasm preventers. (No, you may not have any.) First of all, my steroid booty shot has now turned black and purple. How in the world do people take steroids on a regular basis?! Your over sized muscles look silly and those shots are painful! Ouch! Anyway...according to my instructions, I started off my morning by taking 5 pills which completely knocked me out! Non drowsy, huh? Yeah right!!! I went back to sleep after Jamie left for work and slept for 2.5 hours. Ahhh I hate feeling lazy and sleeping the day away! But I couldn't help it! I was dead to the world! DEAD.


So then I wake up and it's time to take my 2nd round of meds. So I did and within half an hour, I was dizzy, walking in circles and feeling very sick to my tummy. Again, how in the world do people get drunk all the time?! I've never been drunk, but I can imagine that's kind of what it feels like. I was truly seeing double and even triple, and I could not walk a straight line. No fun. I figured this was happening because I didn't have food with the meds, so I tried my darnedest to make a sandwich. I put a whole wheat English muffin in the toaster and made and egg and had to sit down on the kitchen floor half way through, because I was afraid I was going to fall on the burner. Listen folks, I'm not exaggerating! I was in a dizzy tizzy! I got my sandwich made, and I am just convinced that I was going to throw up, so NO THANK YOU to food! I was sitting on the floor trying to force something into my tummy, because I was sure that's why I was feeling icky, but I just couldn't do it. Lo and behold, I ended up falling asleep ON THE FLOOR and woke up 3 hours later...at 2:15!!!! What the heck?! I felt so unbelievably worthless!!!


After my worthless, unintentional napping, I ended up throwing up, filling a mini trash can (TMI...I apologize), just feeling like a crum bum. So I called the doctor and she said this is all normal. Are. You. Kidding? Stellar. So, today. I begin Day #2 of back meds. Please lift up a prayer that I don't feel the side effects and that I can be a little more productive today. I just really hate days like yesterday where I sleep it all away and feel ill and worthless.

Feeling Worthy:

On a similar note, I really struggle with feeling worthless these days. I don't have a job. I have no personal income. I have no job in sight. I've applied for a teaching position, but don't even get a screening interview until August 9th, and even then, that's not my for real interview. All that to say, I just hate not having something to do! I enjoy being busy and having a schedule. I enjoy having a to-do list. Here is what my to-do list looks like these days:
*Work out
*Walk Leia
*Make bed
*Clean up
*Mow when needed
*Pick weeds when needed
*Make meals
*Piddle
*Wait for Jamie to get home from work
Okay, I know that all of you are thinking, "Nice sob story, Abby, but get over it!" And I'm thinking the same thing! Yes all of those things are important, but I just wish I had a job or something "more important" to do these days. I know that my very relaxed schedule could make some people envious, but there are those days where I just feel completely worthless. I'm ready for fall. I'm ready for the school year to begin because I can at least sub or maybe find a teaching job.

All that to say, I sometimes feel worthless, but I KNOW that God has me here for a reason. We are not in Memphis simply because my husband got a job. Yes that's why he's here, but why am I here? I know I've got a purpose here, and I just need figure out why. Maybe my job is to support Jamie in his new job for the summer? Maybe my summer job will be volunteering at church or subbing in schools. Maybe my job is to learn humility and being content in my situation? I don't know.

Here is a verse that I need to memorize and put it into practice:

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportions to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:6-8

I need to put those verses into practice and realize that God has given me SOOO many gifts that I can use without having a job. It's even in the small things like:
-Writing a letter to someone out of the blue. Actually send a friend or family member a hand-written note and put it in the mail. Not a quick e-mail, but a real letter, with meaning, just to tell them hi!
-Even without a teaching job, I can still go volunteer at a shelter or church and teach them about the love of Christ.
-I can serve my husband by having a neat and clean house when he comes home from work and a good meal ready for him to eat.
-Blogging. That sounds silly, but I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from you guys which I super appreciate! I need to make sure that what I'm writing is positive and uplifting, and to also encourage you in your daily lives.

There is so much that I can do to feel worthy that doesn't include a regular income. I need to find my worthiness in Christ and not in my fleshly desires. Please partner with me and pray for me with this situation, and please let me know how I can pray for you. I've got plenty of time on my hands, so please let me know if/how I can lift you up in prayer.

I love you all so very much and pray you all have a very blessed day!